Parenting a Child from Planet Asperger’s

Once Upon a Time, there was a King and Queen who had a beautiful baby daughter. They threw a grand celebration and invited all of the magical fairies in the realm to bestow upon the child a gift. The fairies gave her gifts such as the gift of kindness, grace and beauty. Oh wouldn’t it be magical if we could really do this? If we could bestow our children with gifts of the spirit, talents, abilities and other positive genetic features and traits?

We cannot choose our genetics, at least not yet. So what do we do when we have this beautiful baby Prince or Princess who ends up being slightly different than what the world calls “normal”? We love them and then try to learn how to raise this amazing child we have been gifted with. However, a child with Asperger’s often seems like a Prince or Princess from another planet.

There is help understanding your amazing child

Such was the case with my three youngest adopted royal children. They are all on the Autism spectrum in varying degrees. They do not think the same way I do. Nor do they respond the same way. They never will. They are wired differently, and sometimes it seems that they are from another planet. Trying to speak their language and understand them can be very frustrating. Trying to use enticements does not always work, and they do not respond to typical chastisements either. So how did I learn to speak their language? It’s still a process, but I learned a lot along the way.

Children with Autism are very commonly ultra-sensitive to the world around them.

So how can I help them to maneuver?

 

• For Visual Over Stimulation, I used sunglasses with my royal kids

The sun glasses do exactly what you think they will do. They darken the world around them and soften the light. So when you have a Prince or Princess who does NOT want you to have the lights on in the kitchen, you can put the child sized sunglasses on him or her, not keep the house dark for everyone else. Of course those glasses may have to be a bit magical, such as a favorite character of the child, or be pink and sparkly. Even a child with little verbal skills can ‘show’ you what they like when given choices. We had some favorite cartoon characters at my home, as well as some glitter and unicorns.

At times we wore these to the mall shopping as well. If they don’t like the way they feel, be loving and just keep trying. This has worked on my three and at least four others that I know of.

• For Auditory Over Stimulation, we used over the ears head phones.

There were times we were at the Mall, and my little Prince wore the sunglasses and the head phones. Since he was not freaking out, he simply looked like a child who liked his sunglasses very much and who was listening to music…even if though he wasn’t. This was the case for my other kiddos with hyper sensitivity. This mean at church too, people. Are you worried about what other people think? Well stop it. They don’t have your child, and they shouldn’t judge you either. (Unless they are trolls, and then you just have to bear it). You do what you have to do to make the meeting as pleasant an experience for everyone.

• For a Picky Eater, remember that dishes must be visually appealing

I know, I had 5 kids and dinner is not always going to be gorgeous and colorful. I do not have singing and dancing dishes and candlesticks preparing our meals along with a full scale orchestra and dance production. Sometimes I wished I did! So I used the dishware as my visually pleasing meal secret weapon. As with those sun glasses, there will be a cartoon character, color or shape that your child responds to. We had spoons and other cutlery with Princesses on them, we had plates with cars and trucks, and we had cups in a rainbow of colors and themes.

I love that now they even have divided theme plates! Often, the royal child likes to ‘expose’ the picture underneath the food, and in order to do that they had to eat.

I do know that this won’t work 100% of the time, but it worked a LOT with my kids, and made meals more pleasing. (Oh and if you have several children they may claim ‘their color’; it is best not to try and negotiate. Let them have the green cup every time and their brother Prince the blue. Isn’t keeping peace better than being right all the time?)

• For the Picky Eater, the food must not be too complicated, or have too many ‘parts’.

Until they are used to more flavors, keep the menu simple, and ask that they try a bite of a new food at a time. This is not going to happen as young as an Earth child. New foods are scary to royal kids from Planet Asperger’s. Try to keep things balanced from the major food groups, and just keep it colorful and simple. There are so many great Pinterest boards of pins with meals that are appealing to kids. It is a little more work, but given the trade off of a peaceful meal without a major meltdown, I will go the extra effort to make it more fun. So pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents, their dinner!

Even if it is part of your culture, try to keep foods mild until they are a bit older. Try not to compare them to their other siblings who ate things better or earlier. Remember that your child is not like that child and cannot process they way they do. The other thing to remember is that many little Princes and Princesses of Planet Asperger’s do not like things with weird textures.

• A Kitchen Timer can be your friend

‘I hear you clock! Time to start another day!” Did you know that the hand held timer is seen from a child’s perspective as an inanimate object? That makes sense, right? So let the timer be the bad guy, or the evil step Mother. (Yes, I am referring to Cinderella’s step-Mother and not you or yours!)”If you haven’t finished your fruit by the time the timer goes off, you cannot have ice cream.” or “I can only lie down with you and read fairy tales and snuggle until the timer goes off.” Of course if they are falling asleep, you will turn off the timer so that it won’t startle them awake!

How I wish I had been acquainted with the timer when my first two kids were smaller! They will be mad at ‘the timer’ they will yell at ‘the timer’, or they will race against ‘the timer’. This works with all kiddos, and not just those royals from Planet Asperger’s. Be sure to use a timer for ‘time-outs’ so that you can be the one to rescue them and comfort them when that mean old timer finally lets them get up!

• Telling a royal child from Planet Asperger’s “Because I said so,” will usually back fire.

While it is true their reasoning and processing centers may not be alike to an Earth child’s that does not mean that they will respond to pat answers from parents. My currently very verbal youngest child is also my most severe case of Asperger’s. This beautiful Prince with his big brown eyes is also the one who will ask question after question as to ‘why’ it is that way. Most Earth children do this at about the age of 4 and outgrow it by 6 or 7.

Not my Prince. He is now 18, and he still asks more questions than anyone I know. Now that he is older I can tell him that he has reached his question quota for the hour, the jousting tournament, or the drive, whatever may be the case. When he was younger, we just answered lots of questions. Lots and lots and lots of questions. If we put him off or said, “because I said so,” he would get angry. An angry Prince Lane is a very angry and destructive boy. I remember that he did not really communicate until he was over 3. Remember: they are different.

• Yes, they do need to take royal naps

I know it would be easier to skip naps because the work that goes into putting them down can be downright exhausting for parents. We need the break too. We actually do not have nannies or servants, at least most of us don’t.

These royal children are growing and their muscles need to be at rest. So do whatever you have to do to get them to sleep. I’m not going to tell you what I did because you may think it was child abuse. My pediatrician assured me it was not. Let’s just say that they couldn’t physically get out of their royal cribs, but could move around in them comfortably. Enlist your pediatrician for advice, put a few lavender drops on their pillows and mattress, play soft  music or white noise. Be sure to check periodically for peas under the mattress if they aren’t sleeping well.

My son Prince Sterling slept with ‘Oldies Radio” until he was 12! (His friends wonder how he knows all the old classics!) Each child is different. Princess Ellie got into mischief immediately if left unsupervised after naps. She peeled wallpaper, emptied drawers, wrote with makeup, etc… Princess Chellie would scream as if she was being tortured in the dungeon to be put down for naps. But down they went…eventually.

• Yes, they need schedules and routines

Try to keep your schedule as consistent as possible. That includes meal times and bed times. A royal child from planet Asperger’s does not do well when their schedule is changed too much or too often. Years ago my husband King Ward and I took a Parenting class offered by our church. What a great class! If I were to narrow down the one golden-goose tid-bit of information it would be that: ALL children go to bed easier when they are NOT overtired! So putting them to bed at 7:30 is going to be much, much easier than doing it at 9 or 10.

Does it make sense? Maybe not, but it works! Then you can have a bit of much earned grown-ups only time once they are in bed. Do they sleep in until 9 am? No, not anymore, if that is what you are used to. I have a friend who’s royal kids are up until 11 pm so that she can have a few hours of peace in the mornings. But from 9 pm to 11 pm, her home castle is hell on earth.

If you are currently like my friend, start moving bedtime back 15 minutes earlier each night until you get there. Be strong it is worth it! Even my teen-aged Princes and Princesses do not argue about bed times. They are tired, and want to go to bed, even though many of their friends stay up at least an hour later.  (Some take a chance of being turned into mice, if up after midnight).

That’s all for now, and I know it was more than a ‘bit’, but how “I wish upon a star”, I had someone, or a Fairy Godmother to share with me these things that have made life easier with my awesome royal kids from Planet Asperger’s. We are a much happier family all around because we chose to work it through. I resisted the urge to use a magic wand. I now understand just a little about the way they think and respond to stimuli, etc.. Don’t worry, I will circle back around on this topic. Good luck!

~Cynthia