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A few years ago, a 17 year old girl in our local high school was diagnosed with Situational Bipolar Disorder. It wasn’t a severe case, but still she suffered. Wouldn’t it have been better if her friends had been aware of the struggles concerning this disorder rather than alienate her? She had lost most of her friends, and struggled severely with social anxieties, and battled depression. Kandi was teased and ridiculed for exhibiting what the other teens think is “Hyper-active, immature, or annoying behavior.” She could not help it when she got into these phases. Kandi was not Hyper-active: she was in a state of mania. When in this state, she had no control over her emotions, and very little control over her actions. At that time, Kandi no longer played sports or many other extra-curricular activities that she used to love to participate in. She did not trust her own behavior, and had been deeply hurt by her peers, even those in her church. Kandi was struggling to survive, and was clinging to the hope that the medication she had started would help to balance her chemicals. My heart ached for her; she is someone I love.

Feeling Lost and Alone is Common

Her best friend had recently “broken up” with her because she had been lying. Lying is a defense mechanism when someone doesn’t feel safe telling or living the truth. So Kandi had been lying to her best friend, and the friend kept calling her out on it. Eventually, the friend had enough of the lies and was done being her friend. Now the lies were her only companions. Kandi struggled with the fine line between reality and imagination. Kandi began to believe her own lies. She lied about imaginary boy friends and her grades. She lied about conversations she had with her teachers or other adults. Kandi lied about what some kid at school or church did or said. Her parents were so confused as to how to help her! If they punished her for every lie she told, then she would forever be grounded!

Therapy

So they found a great therapist to send her to. It took several weeks of lying to her therapist before she started to trust the therapist. Gradually the truths began to emerge. The small cringing child hiding beneath the teen age brave exterior was peeking out. It was heart wrenching to watch. All I could really do was love and support, and take everything that girl told me with a grain of salt because I never knew if it was true or not. It could be partly true! The therapist told her parents that she had a false sense of self, and couldn’t ‘see’ herself. Her perception of herself was so flawed, that she could not imagine herself as others could see her.

For instance, I hate walking in late to church. I can imagine in my mind what I must look like walking past these people who had been on time! My imagination shows my clothing and their colors. My shoes are imagined and how my hair had turned out. Of course this is all to my own perspective, but I can imagine fairly closely what I look like to others. This poor girl could not. She could not see herself as others see her. Kandi could not imagine what they saw in their minds when they saw her. Kandi was a black shell to them. She was empty and nothing. Trying to help her to see herself was futile. It was also sad and frustrating.

Positive Attributes

This girl was beautiful and talented! Kandi was witty and funny. She was engaging and fun to be around. Kandi had a twinkle in her eye and a quick wit and sense of humor. But Kandi was also feeling alone, even in a room full of people. She told tales to get people to like her and to admire her, or even to feel sorry for her. Kandi told lies about her parents and their treatment of her. Those lies came back to them and hurt them, but luckily they saw them for what they were: a cry for help and a sense of abandonment. Kandi thought they had given up on her because of her lies and her fantasies. She didn’t ‘see’ that they took her to therapy every week, or that they tried to arrange times for friends to come over to play games or watch movies with. All she saw was the black sad hole that was her heart.

Judge Not

Kandi was judged wherever she went, and whenever she would try to reinvent herself. My hope is that we will stop judging the strange or unusual behaviors of others, and instead learn how to help and encourage. Bipolar is a condition and not a weakness of character. Let us be tolerant of those who struggle as they are all our brothers and sisters. We never know when we ourselves might be affected, or someone close to us, or in our family. We need to lose the negative stigma of mental illness, and introduce an educated, compassionate and tolerant society. Eventually the therapy started working and Kandi found a new path. She started to trust people and made a few new friends. They were patient with her, and gave her space to be herself. Sure Kandi sometimes still got manic, but the meds were helping and she was feeling more secure in her own skin. I often wonder how that best friend felt later, when she looked back at how harshly she treated Kandi. I know that the moms talked and so she knew about the Bipolar diagnosis. Still, for whatever reason, she stayed away.

If You see Amazing things in a Teen, Tell them! They Need to hear it!

Now this beautiful bright girl is off living her own life away from home and school and is doing well. Kandi is learning about life and providing and taking care of herself. She still thinks her parents are picking on her any time they try to give advice. Kandi is prickly that way and maybe always will be. But they are so proud of her and the young woman she has become. They hope she will find that special someone and settle down. Her parents know she has a lot of love to give to someone and wants to be married. They know Kandi will be an amazing mother one day. Kandi’s parents have faith in her decisions and her ability to make her own path in life. They wish she could really understand how much they love her and how proud of her they are. But part of that is her inability to completely trust people. So some times Kandi still tells little lies. Not huge ones, just little ones. But she is working on it. Situational Bipolar disorder is not completely cured, it is managed. We all need to remember that.

~Cynthia